Crumbling Walls
by ChucksterNerd
Summary: One-shot about Jayne's past and how it affects him now.


**A one-shot that came into my head and I decided it would be fun to write. Hope you enjoy.**

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><p>Serenity drifted through the black, carrying it's cargo to the jobs destination. Everyone was doing various things aboard the ship. Zoe was talking with Inara and the Captain, happy that both of them seemed to be getting along better since Miranda. Simon and Kaylee were joking in the living room with River, who had become much more lucid since Miranda. When Simon looked at her, he saw his little sister again.<p>

Jayne however was up on the bridge. He could fly Serenity if he needed to, though he'd never told anyone, but that wasn't why he was up here. To be honest, Jayne had changed more than anyone after Miranda. Everyone noticed the change in him. He was quieter, he listened to his orders, he didn't complain, and he seemed to be showing his smart side; the one that he pretended he didn't have.

What everyone was beginning to realise, however, was that this was the real Jayne. He wasn't an idiot, he wasn't insensitive; he wasn't just a brick wall. He was just like anyone else, but he was a hired gun, he'd seen things in his time that had forced him to put walls up; to block out feelings and distance himself. This was the first crew he'd become attached to in a long time. His best friend had been Book; he'd let his walls come down some and he'd opened up. He saw the good in Jayne, knew it was there. Kaylee saw it too, since Jayne was often nice to her when no one else was around.

Why Jayne had changed after Miranda was because of a letter that Book had written him that everyone knew about, but never read. It had cut Jayne deep inside and knocked down the rest of the walls.

As he sat on the bridge, now, he pulled the letter that he had held so many times and reread it again.

_Hello Casey_

_Yes I know your real name. We share the same home planet, and I recognized your face straight off. I could also see straight through the act. You aren't Jayne, not really. _

_When I l__eft that planet, you were sixteen years old. When I heard what happened there three months after I left, I thought no children would have survived, but you did. You wanted to forget about your past, I understand that, but in doing so, you forgot who you are. You are the boy that smiled and joked all the time, the boy that loved all of his sisters; the boy that was the pride of his family._

_You are still that boy really. 10 years is a very long time, and yet you still haven't let go of that innocent boy. It's in there somewhere, no matter how deep it's buried. I know your life story, Casey._

_Not one of the people on Serenity will truly understand why you fear Reavers so muc__h, not even River. What you saw and heard was something that I know haunts your dreams and sometimes your daydreams. Sometimes when you think no one is looking, you'll get a haunted look on your face. _

_One member of my family survived the attack. Daniel Perry, you'll remember him. He confided in me what happened, and I know he will never speak of it again. He told me that the Independent ship that rescued the only group of survivor's was full and you told them to go without you. At sixteen years old. Then you were dragged on board by the captain after he threw off a prisoner. _

_All men__ on that boat joined the Independents in the war, Casey. Daniel told me that you did too. He was in your company. Tell the captain that you were in the war, Casey. Don't keep things like that to yourself. When the war ended, you didn't have a purpose, so you became something you never wanted to become. I'm sure you've been with plenty of employers but Serenity is the one you stuck with._

_You built walls around yourself to hide from the pain you need to feel before you can finally let go. Some of those walls lowered whilst you were on Serenity, and you let some of the crew in. Even if you won't admit it, you __love them all. And if you looked properly, you would realize they love you too, no matter how much you distance yourself._

_I know what happened on Ariel, and I can see why you did it. You love Kaylee like a sister, and Simon almost killed her, without any repercussions when it was over. Admit it Casey, you didn't do it for the money, you did it because you cared. Then as soon as you saw what the Alliance had really done to River, you got them out of there._

_You closed yourself off from everyone and everything, when all you need to do is accept who you are. It'll hurt you, most likely, but staying the way you are will hurt more in the long run. Start by acting naturally, and not the act you put on. I know that deep down; you're a respectful young man who lost his way. _

_You lost everyone you loved that day, and nothing can change that. And if you are reading this, you've also lost me. I'm sorry for that Casey, but you haven't lost everyone. You have Serenity and the crew it holds. Let them in, like you let me in._

_I know you won't want to, but I think you should let them all see this letter. It would help them to see you in a different light and understand who you really are. I know you never really believed in God, but I know you believed in doing the right thing. That's what telling the Independent ship to leave without you to save others was, that's what fighting for the people who had rescued you was, that's what Ariel was. All of it was what you believed was right._

_You're a good man, Casey, Jayne, or whatever you want to be called. But to me, you'll always be Jayne Cobb, one of my closest friends, no matter how far I'm buried in the ground._

_Your preacher_

_Derrial Book_

Jayne stared at Book's name for a moment before folding the letter in his hands. Book had written it at Haven and put it in his will. When he'd first read it, he'd nearly broke down. The memories that the letter brought to the mercenary were too much to bear, yet he kept reading it. He kept feeling the pang of guilt, the shock, the fear, the numbing pain and the hopelessness.

He didn't want to show the crew the letter; they had all just gotten over Miranda. When the preacher wrote this, he hadn't known about Miranda, he hadn't known what the crew had gone through. That two of them had died. That it was the reason he died.

Jayne closed his eyes against the headache that was coursing through his head. Should he give them the letter? Was it Book's last wish? What if he was dishonouring his memory by not doing as he requested? But what if the crew hated him for what had happened, for lying about who he was?

These questioned had run through his mind so many times and he was sick of them. He wanted to scream, to run, to leave, to stay, to talk, to hide… He stood up from the co pilots chair –he always left Wash's chair alone, often thinking of Wash as the autopilot- and walked through the ship. His head was throbbing and he was getting himself worked up.

He walked past Mal, Inara and Zoe, but didn't notice as he headed for his bunk. They all glanced at each other as the troubled looking mercenary stormed past. That was the last they saw of him until they landed on Kerry.

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><p>Mal pushed the button to lower the ramp and smiled at the evening light that streamed through. ''Alright everyone, you got the evening off, deals tomorrow''<p>

He had barely finished when Jayne appeared for the first time in two days, after missing countless meals. He walked past everyone and off the ramp, not meeting any of their confused gazes. Simon, being a doctor, saw the slight weight loss, and everyone saw the dark circles under his eyes, even though he'd been in his bunk all the time.

They all watched in silence as Jayne walked towards town and disappeared into the crowds. Kaylee turned towards Mal.

''Cap'n, he ain't right, somethin's wrong with him, he ain't never usually like this. He missed all his meals in two days and I ain't seen him working out neither'' Kaylee frowned with a concerned look on her face.

''Somethin' ain't been right since Miranda, sir'' Zoe told him.

Inara nodded. ''We all know he's changed, but this is different. When he stormed past us the other day, he was holding that letter again'' she looked at Mal.

Mal grimaced. ''Whatever Book said in that letter sure shook Jayne up bad. Can't do much for him now though, might as well go and enjoy ourselves whiles we can'' Mal stepped out into the darkening light and walked towards town. The rest of the crew followed him, albeit reluctantly.

Inara and Zoe caught up with Mal while Simon talked to Kaylee. Nobody noticed River slink off into the crowd: Looking for someone.

She searched for the unique mind of Jayne whilst she wandered around. She didn't pay any attention to anyone else as she expanded her search throughout the town. She couldn't find any presence of Jayne and frowned. She expanded her search farther and finally latched onto the steady thrum of Jayne's thoughts.

She had sworn not to read the crews thoughts, but she still felt their presence of mind. Mal's was like a storm, one minute calm, the next a fury. Zoe was often stoic and unchangeable. Inara was like the ocean, she could be calm or choppy, a bit like Mal, but she could restrain herself. Kaylee was like the sunshine most of the time, and now that Simon was with her, he often felt the same way.

Jayne was like a tiger. He appeared threatening, and could be deadly, but he was soft deep down. He was ragged, but still handsome beneath it all. Underneath the act, he was clever and cunning. He preferred to travel alone, but when he trusted his companions, he stuck by them through distance. When he had troubles, he kept them to himself.

River ran towards the direction of Jayne's thoughts, and soon reached her destination. It was an old run down farm where an old man rented horses for money. River herself had never rode one, but as she looked across the fields and caught Jayne riding a dark chestnut horse.

He was riding freely around the field, just his plain white t-shirt and cargo's on. River watched him ride, he was a good rider. He moved with the horse and treated it with respect. River reached her mind out to the horse, a mare, and felt its contentment. She smiled as the sun got lower and Jayne jumped down from his horse and began walking back to the stables where she was waiting.

He started when he saw her and pulled the horse to a stop. The horse snorted and shook its head. River stepped forward and stroked its head.

''What's her name?'' she asked.

Jayne stared at her for a moment before answering. ''Jai Li''

River smiled. ''Good and Beautiful; a fitting name''

Jayne looked at her cautiously. ''The crew is worried'' River told him as she took her hand away from the horse.

Jayne shook his head and walked the horse past River into the stable. River waited outside for him as he patted the horse and left the stable. He picked up his black jacket from the bench and shrugged it on. He picked up his gun and holstered it before walking past River.

''They don't need to be'' he shouted back.

River followed him for several minutes, not buying it. When they were nearing Serenity she spoke up. ''Jayne missed at least eight plates of food he would have eaten. He also missed working out daily and did not leave his bunk for two days. He left the ship without-''

''Okay, I get your point, but there still ain't no reason for the crew to worry'' Jayne turned around again and kept walking.

''We worry anyway. We have been through everything together-''

Jayne spun around. ''We have not been through everything together! When you, your brother and Book showed up, we went through _Miranda_ together! And we couldn't even do that right! Book left for Haven and died while Wash was killed doing his job! Miranda was what we went through! Mal and Zoe went through the war together! Everyone has someone on that ship, and I did too until Book died, and no matter what anyone says I'm just the hired gun that everyone could do without! I don't give a damn anymore! I'm a stupid, idiotic, disloyal, back stabbing bastard that don't deserve a place on this ship…'' Jayne's voice quieted as he neared the end of his outburst ''Everyone went through something with someone. Not me. I do things alone, that's how it's been for ten years, and it ain't changing now. I don't need a crew to worry about me and I don't need crazy teenage girls following me!'' Jayne stormed off in a new direction, heading for the town.

He didn't notice the crew that had gathered on Serenity's ramp as he had faced River. River stared after Jayne as the crew walked up to her.

''Are you okay _mei mei_?'' Simon asked her. River nodded and then looked at Mal.

''You have to go after him'' she told him. Mal was already walking after Jayne. He started to jog to catch up with him.

''Jayne!'' he called to his merc. Jayne didn't stop but carried on walking. Mal caught up with him and stood in front of him.

''Jayne-''

''Don't wanna hear it Mal'' Jayne tried to side step him but Mal grabbed his jacket and held him in place.

''Now you listen to me, I don't know what the gorram hell is wrong with you, but I know it ain't nothin', so don't even try that one neither. Hell Jayne, you don't talk much no more, you sit on your own and when people do see ya, you're always lookin' like you don't wanna be near them. That little speech you just made was partly right Jayne. We all got someone on this here boat. We all got each other, everyone, and that includes you. You ain't just the hired gun no more Jayne, your in this gorram family whether you like it or not!''

Jayne shook the captain's hands from his jacket and glared at him. ''I ain't got no family!''

''Why, cause you're a merc and you can't have one? 'Cause Book's dead and you can't let no one get close to you no more? We got each other, after Miranda we lost two of our own, I ain't losin' another one Jayne!''

Jayne scoffed and knew the rest of the crew could hear the whole argument.

''I'm already gone, Mal''

''What's that supposed to mean?'' Mal demanded.

''It means Book was wrong; I ain't the man I used to be. He's gone and dead, died back ten years ago and he ain't never comin' back'' Jayne reached into his pocket as he pushed past Mal and chucked a bit of paper over his shoulder. He walked swiftly across the dirt and jogged towards town.

Mal and the rest of the crew were standing, shocked at Jayne's actions. Mal bent down and picked up the piece of paper. He unfolded it and the first few lines made his eyes widen. He stopped reading as he looked at the rest of the crew.

''Think we should read this together''

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><p>Everyone was sitting in the gallery after Mal had finished reading Book's letter to Jayne. Kaylee and Inara were sitting with tears in their eyes and everyone else was shocked into silence.<p>

''That's why he's so scared of reavers… Mal it said he had sisters, if he was the only one that survived and he heard and saw…'' Inara couldn't finish the sentence as she put a hand over her mouth.

Mal shook his head as he stared at the letter on the table. ''He fought in the war, for the Independents… he did that on Ariel for Kaylee…''

Kaylee let new tears slide down her cheeks. River was sitting there, staring at the paper as Mal was doing. Simon spoke up.

''He's a completely different person than we know…''

Inara shook her head ''No, after this letter he's begun to be…Casey again. But he can't let go of the walls he put up. He can't bring his defences down. He's just like a little boy that grew up too fast''

River nodded. ''He need's to cry''

Everyone looked at River, slightly unnerved by the image of Jayne…crying. River noticed them looking and shook her head. ''Not literally: Figuratively. Just like Book says, he cannot move on unless he accepts what happened. It will hurt him, but closing himself off will hurt him further''

Mal slowly looked back at the letter, rereading the script again. ''Well we better go find him''

Then River's head shot up ''No…''

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><p>Jayne sat in the bar when he heard the first cry of terror. It pierced right through him; he'd heard it before, many years ago. The fear and horror and desperation in that cry were unbearable. He grabbed his gun as the whole bar started yelling as more cries were heard. Jayne could only think of one thing.<p>

_Reavers_

His worst nightmare…he knew he didn't have enough ammo and only had one gun. He'd need to save one bullet for himself when it came to that, but he wasn't going down without taking some of the bastards with him. He searched around the frantic bar's walls, looking for the weapons he hoped where there. He saw them on the opposite wall behind the bar and ran across to it, dodging people as he went.

He hoped that Serenity had lifted off at the first sign of trouble and that the Reavers had come straight to town instead of side tracking. He jumped over the bar and reached for the two swords mounted there. He pulled them off their stands and twirled them in his hands.

He'd learned how to use swords years ago, but he preferred guns in his line of work, although he loved swordplay. Reavers were different. He made sure his gun was easy to access as he took a deep breath and thought back to his first encounter with Reavers. He could do this now.

He jumped over the bar again and kicked open the door. The street was full of bodies and reavers running after people. Jayne blocked the bad images from his mind and killed the first Reaver that attacked him. He blocked another attack as two more ran at him. Reavers didn't often use guns, so he wasn't at a disadvantage. He dealt with both Reavers quickly before he spun around to deal with the next attack.

He was gaining the Reavers interest, as none of them could seem to take him down. He killed any Reaver that approached him.

When a Reaver hurtled into his side he was thrown off balance and he felt a knife dig into his arm. He gritted his teeth and brought his gun out to shoot the Reaver in the head. It fell off him and he reached for his dropped sword before quickly parrying the attack from oncoming Reavers.

His arm throbbed as the knife was still stuck in his arm. When he kicked a Reaver back into the oncoming horde, he quickly pulled it out and threw it into the chest of an attacking Reaver. It fell but another took its place.

Jayne seemed to see everything in slow motion for a second. The Reavers in front of him, then him when he was sixteen, running away, terrified. He couldn't hear as many screams and that meant most Reavers were focused on him. He was doomed then. He didn't care. As long as he saved as many people as possible.

He brought the swords down again and again, slashing at anything moving. He got a punch to the face and a kick to the side at one point. He heard his ribs snap but ignored the pain and got back up. He took down three more reavers as he felt a knife embed into his shin. He cursed and bent to quickly take it out. A Reaver hit him in the head and he fell backwards as he pulled it out. A Reaver was on top of him and he pushed the knife into its chest. He pushed it off him and rolled out of the way of an axe. He grabbed the next Reavers weapon before it hit him and kicked it away. He threw it at the next Reaver as he gave himself time to pick up his swords.

He turned around and just parried the next attack. He felt the force jar his wrist before a Reaver slammed into his left shoulder. He knew it was dislocated as the pain ran through his entire arm. It felt heavy and he could barely use his sword. He swallowed hard and he saw the Reavers surrounding him. The gun in his holster was looking awfully appealing right now. He shook his head as he painfully brought up both arms and attacked again.

There was a pile of Reaver bodies around him. The number of Reavers seemed to be lessening, but Jayne knew that could be wishful thinking. He slammed a sword hilt into a Reavers face before slashing across another's chest. He drew a knife from his belt and threw it at the nearest Reaver, catching it in the throat.

A memory of a Reaver almost grinning at him as he was running away flooded his memory and Jayne shook it off. He fell backwards as he was hit in the chest and he felt his ribs scream in protest. His breathing hitched and he was slammed against the wall. The sword fell from his left hand that he could barely hold up. He looked up; there weren't many Reavers left: Ten at the most, from a group of roughly 50, maybe less. He'd killed a damn lot of Reavers.

He reached for a gun just as a knife embedded itself in his side. He looked down briefly as he lifted his right hand and sword to block the next attack. Ten lousy Reavers left, and he was going to die. He felt the pain of all his injuries hit him as he slouched against the wall.

The Reavers in front of him seemed to be disappearing… where he didn't know. He lifted his right arm again and a Reaver lunged for him. The sword fell from his hand as his energy left him and the Reaver lifted its axe. Jayne fell down against the wall, sitting leaning against it as he waited to die. He closed his eyes and then he felt hands on him.

It wasn't Reavers…

He opened his eyes and saw River looking back at him, an expression of concern etched on her face. Then Mal and Simon appeared, both looking equally concerned. One of them reached forward as he felt a pressure in his right side, and then a searing pain. He closed his eyes as the pain overtook him.

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><p>Mal stood in the infirmary doorway, watching a patched up Jayne. He was beaten pretty badly: a dislocated shoulder, four broken ribs, severe concussion, numerous cuts and a serious knife wound to his right side.<p>

Simon had worked long and hard on him through the night, and it was now in the early hours of the morning. It had taken a while to find Jayne in the town, but then they'd seen the pile of Reaver bodies piling up on the floor, with Jayne in the middle of them. He could fight with a sword – Mal could give him that.

River was sitting on the examination chair as Jayne laid on one of the side beds. She was awake and looking at him too. Neither of them had spoken for hours. ''River, need you to go plot a course to Persephone. Just drifting in the black at the moment''

River looked at him and nodded. She exited the room after taking one last look at Jayne and went up to the bridge. She passed the gallery and table on the way, not surprised to see the rest of the crew up. Simon was sleeping on Kaylee's shoulder, tired from his work, but everyone else was awake.

They looked up as she came in but she just shook her head and walked past into the bridge. Everyone went back to quietly waiting for any difference.

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><p>It was the next day when Jayne finally opened his eyes and stared at the face of River, who was leaning over him smiling.<p>

''Welcome back''

Jayne groaned and closed his eyes again. ''What?'' he asked hoarsely.

She smiled again. ''Welcome back. You have been unconscious for nearly two days, and now you are awake'' she went over to the com. ''Simon, Jayne's awake''

''_On my way''_ Jayne heard through the com.

He realized he was in the infirmary. Unconscious… Suddenly all the memories and the fight came back into his head and he closed his eyes. River flinched as Jayne's mind seemed to fight a darkness.

''Don't let it win, Jayne'' she whispered.

Jayne heard it and let it flow through his mind – just like a River. The memories were flattened to the back of his mind, as was the fight. The blood and pain and guilt were washed away as the water streamed past and took it with it. The water didn't leave his mind, the words didn't leave his mind, but they remained hidden, where he wasn't sure he could get to them anymore.

He looked at River, and for the first time since Miranda, and Book's death, and the letter, he genuinely smiled. River grinned back just as Simon rushed into the room, closely followed by Mal.

''Jayne-'' River shot the captain a glare and he closed his mouth. Jayne sighed as Simon flustered around him.

''Okay, now that I'm awake- I can leave right?''

The crew laughed for the first time since the Reaver attack, and it made everyone feel a great deal lighter.

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><p>1 Year Later<p>

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><p>Jayne sat on the bridge staring out at the stars. He wasn't thinking about how it had been exactly a year since the Reaver attack, or about his dark past. He was thinking about the beautiful woman cuddling him whilst sitting on his lap.<p>

He looked down at River and smiled. Life was good.


End file.
